Kimbley's Lunch Adventure
by WiNdGoDdEsS688
Summary: The Crimson Alchemist tries to pull a fast one on a certain young girl, but discovers he is sadly outmatched. If you like laughing, then click for fun!


Whoa, an update from _me_? In less than then two weeks from my other story? Creepy.

Note: this is based off the manga, so if you've only watched the anime you'll be a tad bit confused. Also, there's some spoilers for ppl who haven't read up to chapter 70 fyi.

Me own NADA (that means nothing!). Except the plot. -huggles plot-

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Melissa bounced happily into the room where Kimbley sat reading a newspaper.

"You sir," she pointed with great fervor, "need to buy me lunch."

There was a moment of silence as Kimbley quietly reflected on this statement. Deciding that it had no sound points for argumentation, he chose (unwisely) to ignore it.

"I won't," he replied, and left it at that. Melissa folded down his newspaper which he had just put up, as if trying to raise a shield between him and the young girl. A rare flicker of annoyance flashed in his eyes, but it was gone as soon as it came.

"But in order for us to continue our conversation about philosophy I NEED to have food. Sooo…" Here Melissa took a deep breath as if what she was about to say had importance tantamount to the Ten Commandments or maybe a finalist of American Idol.

"So, if _**you**_ want to make sure that all _**your**_ theories on life are indeed correct, _**you**_ have to have a level headed _**rational**_ person to debate with. _**Therefore**_ (here she poked his newspaper which he had tried to put up again) _**you**_ need to feed me so that _**I**_ can debate with you."

There was another moment of silence, slightly more pronounced than the first, but not too much longer.

"Fine," was the answer this time. Melissa gave out a triumphant "yay!" and then skipped away to find her purse and a light sweater.

He would find a way to make her pay, Kimbley mused. But what would hurt her? He had already tried all the usual "Crimson Alchemist" tactics, only to be amazed at her resilience. An odd idea struck him, one that wasn't too original, but at this point, he was willing to try anything. He got up and looked down the hallway where Melissa had skipped out of. He made sure the coast was clear and then went into the bathroom. Inside the medicine cabinet he found what he was looking for.

He quickly left the bathroom and then grabbed his coat from the closet. He made sure to conceal what he had gotten by throwing said object into one of his pockets.

By the time they had reached the restaurant (which Melissa had chosen…not bothering to ask him what he wanted) Melissa was positively radiant. She was babbling all about the food and ordered him the exact same thing she got, seeing as how the restaurant was new to Kimbley. After they ordered their food, they sat down at a small table outside in the patio.

As they waited for their food, neither said anything. This was not due to any animosity however; rather Melissa had found a shiny object in the flower bed next to them and was trying to see what it was, whereas Kimbley was going over his operation aptly named "get-back-at-this-damn-girl."

Since Melissa was so distracted, she didn't hear their number being called, and she didn't notice Kimbley get up to get the food. This was an unexpected bonus Kimbley thought as he realized that she wouldn't notice a single thing. He quickly took out the vile he was hiding and poured it onto one of the plates of food. He then tucked it quickly away, and went back to the table, taking extra care to serve her the plate that was contaminated.

"Really now Mr. Crimson, that was silly of you," Melissa said as he set the plate in front of her. Kimbley quizzically raised an eyebrow and then moved his hand toward his fork. However Melissa was quicker.

As Kimbley was about to take his first bite Melissa suddenly shrieked, pointed at an unknown object behind him, and then, like only a fan girl could, shouted out "OH MY GOD IT'S THE FUHRER!"

Knowing quite well that most Amestrians were patriotic, and knowing very well that Kimbley would also be interested, Melissa smirked with glee as the entire café (Kimbley included) turned 180 degrees to look. That brief second was all Melissa needed, however it was not long enough.

Kimbley mentally slapped himself at having fallen for the oldest trick in the book once he turned around and realized the girl was lying. But all was not lost, for as he turned back to Melissa he was overjoyed to catch her switching his plate of food for hers.

He grabbed her wrist, stopped her, and then smiled a fake benign smile. "Now, now" he said in a voice that dripped with poisoned honey, "we mustn't do that." He then took his plate, which was currently in front of Melissa, and rightfully brought it back to him.

"What's wrong?" he innocently asked, looking at Melissa's horrified expression that was directed towards her plate of food.

"Eat up. You _do_ want to debate, correct?" He asked and couldn't help as a smirk plastered his face.

"Yeah…um…sure…" Melissa sighed, and then slowly, in little bites, began eating her food. Kimbley gave a rare non -"meet-your-maker-at-the-hands-of-the-crimson-alchemist" laugh. It was very interesting to hear his laugh without bloodthirsty malice in it, and as Melissa stole a glance at him, she could have sworn he was having more fun than back at Ishbaal.

"Thanks for recommending the food," he chucked softly and happily chomped away.

"_Oh no, thank __**you**__ Mr. Crimson."_ Melissa thought in her mind.

One hour and a very full Kimbley later, they had both finished. "Ok," Melissa said, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "What was in it, seeing as how it's just a matter of time."

"Oh nothing too creative," Kimbley confessed, waving his hand. "Just some liquid laxatives. Really, it wasn't that original," he admitted. "But yes, rather smart of you to ask. You'll probably want to start making your way to the bathroom." He grinned manically, but his grin was soon outdone.

"Who said it was a matter of time for _me_?" Melissa said, an air of twisted triumph exuding from her voice.

There was a third and final brief moment of silence between the two. It was broken, not by Kimbley's retort, but by a noise. A gurgling noise to be more exact. And it came…from Kimbley.

He barely had time to try and hit her with her own purse before dashing away to the bathroom.

After a long, good, and hard convulsion of giggles, Melissa finally settled down to notice she had some visitors. "Why heloooooo Mr. Fuhrer sir," she happily chirped. And hello Mr…err…can I call you Envy even though you look like that?" She was referring to the fact that Envy was disguised as an Amestrian soldier. The same one, in fact, that he used when he picked up Kimbley from the jail.

"Whatever could have made you laugh so hard dear child?" Wrath asked with an air of mischief. His one visible eye danced in merriment. Envy rolled his eyes.

"Does the sun need a reason for rising?" he said in a drawling voice. "But really, how'd you pull it off?" he incredulously asked. Both he and Wrath had been watching from a safe unseen distance ever since they saw the two place their order at the café.

"Easy, I saw him pour the liquid onto my food and I made it known to him that I was quite aware of his atrocious act. So he was immediately thought that I would try and switch the plates."

"But you _didn't_," Envy said, still confused.

"Nope," Melissa continued. "I just made it look like I did, so he would take mine, thinking it was really his."

"Wow." Envy finally said. "You really outdid yourself."

"I know!" Melissa squealed. "I _do_ have my moments you know," she added as an afterthought.

The door to the bathroom was flung open and Kimbley stomped out. "You…little…wench…" were the only words he got out before noticing the two men (well more like the two homunculi if you wanna get technical).

"Fuhrer," he sputtered out before falling silent. "I-" he was cut off before he could explain.

"No need," Bradley declared. "We've already been caught up to date," he said nodding his head toward the Cheshire-like Melissa. Kimbley was about to protest, but then paled and ran back to the bathroom.

"You should really check on him, just to make sure he isn't in-ca-pa-ci-ta-ted," Melissa mused out loud, over annunciating the last word of her sentence.

"I suppose you're right," Bradley replied, but made no effort to get up.

At this point in time, a small and seemingly harmless boy walked up to the trio. To most people, the boy was Selim Bradley, adopted son of the fuhrer. However, to more enlightened others he was…

"Priiiide!" Melissa cried out and Selim/Pride happily ran to her and gave her a hug.

"What the hell?" Envy cried out. "Since when does _she_ know about-"

Selim simply patted Envy on the head before climbing onto Melissa's lap and grinned.

"Ever since I started tutoring Selim." Melissa answered.

"B-b-but.." Envy sputtered on.

"Well you know the whole creepy dark shadow with an eye and mouth kinda gave it away," Melissa said simply. Selim nodded enthusiastically.

"And Melissa's fun to play with, she doesn't die easily," Selim added, a bit too happily.

Envy sweat dropped. He really didn't want to know how the oldest homunculus had fun. However he soon regained his usual demeanor and scoffed. "She's still only human."

"Yeah, and you're still only a homunculus but that doesn't explain why you look like a bishie palm tree," Melissa declared.

The air around the café suddenly became much heavier.

"Did…you…just…insult me?" Envy menacingly asked.

"No," Melissa gleefully responded. "Those clothes you wear as a palm tree insult you. Me, I'm just mocking you!"

A certain homunculus was about to kill a certain young human girl had it not been for the fact that the bathroom door was flung open once again.

Kimbley walked out albeit not in his usual gait and swagger. He was still visibly pale and he seemed to have learned his lesson and did not try to yell at Melissa. Instead he merely sat down and said nothing.

For once, the group looked normal until Melissa decided to speak.

"So Mr. Kimbley sir," she began. "Have you finally worked up the nerve to ask Rose out yet?"

The three homunculi all turned at once to stare at the alchemist, just in time to see a horrible attempt at concealing a blush.

"Oh, that girl who used to live in Lior?" Envy asked inquisitively.

"Is she a nice girl?" Wrath asked Kimbley. "You should really show us to her Kimbley if she's that important."

"She's _very_ pretty," Envy answered for him. "Yes, he really should make his move."

Pride happily clapped his hands while still sitting on Melissa's lap. "Does this mean Kimbley's gonna have a girlfriend?"

"Wait, what about Hawkeye?" Wrath asked. "Kimbley I really hope you haven't been leading her on. I could have sworn you two were going to get together."

None of the homunculi seemed to notice, or rather they did notice but just didn't care, that Kimbley seemed to be turning a brilliant shade of red.

And so the retorts continued while the young girl watched her handiwork quite happily.

"Meeel!" A girl yelled as she ran up to the group. However the homunculi were too busy trying to make Kimbley break down and tell them all about Rose.

"Jo!" Melissa happily replied. "I'm bored" Jo stated.

Melissa paused and then a light bulb shone over her head.

"How'd that get there?" Jo wondered aloud.

"Here's the location of Colonel Mustang," Melissa said and handed over some directions.

Jo stared. "How's that solve my boredom?"

"Allow me to elucidate. Here's the flame alchemist's location…and here's some matches for you."

"Score."

And so ends the tale of how the crimson alchemist learned that he was just no match for a teenage girl. Moral of the story? Err…make sure you don't eat laxative laced food? Yeah, that…

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This little plot bunny came into my head around 1 AM…and of course all plot bunnies that come to mind at that time need to be written down.

As for the whole Kimbley x Rose pairing, there's a whole story behind it! And it should hopefully be written out and posted soon…the opportune word here being: should.

Go ahead, press the pretty purple review button! If you don't, I'll tell Envy you called him a palm tree!


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